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Everyday is a struggle.

Children are truly a blessing from God. When you hear of someone expecting you automatically get excited for them. The pure joy of becoming a parent is a wonderful feeling.

Well, that used to be me. Now, when I hear of someone expecting I have mixed emotions. I am happy for them but sad at the same time I’m sad because I felt that feeling; that unexplainable joy and happiness then my son passed away and I wasn’t ready. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes and dreams be cut off and taking from you.

I fear for every expectant mother because you never know what is going to happen. You hope and pray for a wonderful pregnancy but I learned that at a split second your life can change. I had a very good pregnancy up until cervical insufficiency happened and there are no test to predict it.

If you don’t know what cervical insufficiency is it is basically your cervix opening up. In my case I didn’t go into labor and my sac just keep dropping until doctor’s deemed it was necessary for me to deliver due to high risk of infection.

When I hear of an expectant mother my mind just goes to I hope she doesn’t have to experience what I did. The statistics is 1 in 4. That is a high number and as I tell my story many women are telling me there’s and I realized that the statistics are true.

I had one classmate who didn’t share her loss until a year later. I have other peers that don’t even discuss their lost. You just knew they were pregnant and waited to see pictures on social media that never happened. However, I have peers that let you in a little bit of loss.

What I find interesting is how different cultures express their loss. I have social media friends that aren’t afraid to share photos of their angel babies and these are the people that give me hope and let me know it’s been going to be okay.

That is how I came to a point of peace with losing Aiden but it is still challenging for me to hear of others expecting or to see a newborn baby. It’s challenging because of the fear that it can happen to them. I have spoken with women who delivered a stillborns babies who were 37+ weeks along and everything was going great until their baby turned the wrong way and got tangled in their ambolic cord. That is something that you can’t control.

I also know of mother’s who lost their child due to undiagnosed preeclampsia or gestational diabetes. Yes, they’re test and some symptoms of those but if you never experienced them how are you supposed to know? And if your test at the time came back normal then how are you supposed to know? You don’t know. That is why pregnancy is both a wonderful experience and a scary experience because you just don’t know what is going to happen.

Another reason it is challenging for me is because their baby is here and healthy and Aiden isn’t. I feel like why am I playing with their baby when I should be playing with my son but I can’t. I can only imagine how he would be and what it would be like to cuddle and play with him.

A happy and hurt feeling isn’t a good feeling. I have to pray everyday that God take this feeling away; however, I also realized I am still grieving and it is okay for me to have these emotions and feelings.

So now I just pray for them, their pregnancy, and unborn child.

This is truly a pain you wouldn’t wish upon anyone but so many of us women must live with it daily.


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