The more I dig deeper into who I am as a person the more at peace I feel. I’ve never felt this type of peace before in my life. Many can say it is because I don’t have to get up and go to a typical 9-5 job but I think it’s more to it than that. I think I just found a deeper understanding and a deeper purpose in my life. Losing Aiden has been one of the most difficult and challenging things that I ever had to experience in my life but it has made me a better person. It has made me become a stronger believer in myself and a stronger believer in God.
I realized that in life if we strive hard enough for something we can achieve it. It took me a while to figure things out but I am so happy to be at this place I am in life right now. I owe it all to my faith in God. Without God, I don’t know where I would be. Every day I come across another woman who is grieving over the loss of her child and it is sad that so many of us women have to go through this but it’s also encouraging to see strong women overcoming what they have been through. At the same token, it’s like if you keep talking about it and talking about it and talking about it that will continue to bring up the hurt and the pain from your loss.
Now, when I start off with this I envisioned sharing my grief, sharing my pain but now I’m at a point where I don’t have any grief and I don’t have any pain. I’m just happy to be present in the now. Happy to be present in this moment in time. Knowing that God has a greater purpose for me. Knowing that at the end of the day I can achieve and overcome any obstacle that is thrown in my path. It does take a very strong individual to come to terms and accept what has happened.
The more I study; the more I shift and transform my mind and the stronger I become. It’s kind of weird and it’s hard to explain the place I am in right now because I can’t compare my experience to another mother’s experience and I can’t compare my grief and pain to another mother’s grief and pain. The only thing I can do is live for Tiffany and be the best person that I can possibly be for myself and those I have chosen to surround myself with.
I find it depressing when I go on social media and see a mother constantly talking about her loss. It’s like are you being positive and trying to be encouraging or are you spreading a message of depression? It is very confusing. I wanted to be more hopeful and more joyful. I want people to know that I don’t have to post or mention my son at every given moment but people will know he existed.
This is why it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write because I’m at the point of peace and I don’t know what to say anymore. At first, I was writing from emotion, hurt, and pain but I actually don’t have that anymore. Sometimes, that makes me feel a little sad that I don’t feel that grief anymore. That shows my growth as a person and as a believer in God. He has truly taken all of my pain away. I am so grateful that I know God is a good God. I’m living proof that he would never put more on you than you can bear.
I said that the day my son died was the day a part of me died as well. In reality, a part of me grew to where I am today. Trying to make a difference in the world. Educating myself so that I can make my life better; so, that if a situation does arise I know I am well equipped to handle it. The more we educate ourselves and the more we feed our minds the better we are.
I truly enjoy reading books now. They have truly been transforming me into becoming a better person and to get it out of my head. A lot of times people don’t realize that when we are in our head too much that is when we get into the area of depression, the area of suicidal thoughts and the area of I’m not good enough. Those types of thoughts consume our minds and then consume our bodies. That is where sickness and disease come into play as well.
It has been a journey. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this but I’m going to continue to write as needed. I made this as an expression of myself. An outlet for me. A place where people can go if they needed to find hope or inspiration. That’s always going to be my main focus and my main goal.